Seasonal Depression is a Real Thing

I was diagnosed with seasonal depression in Fall of 2020. To receive an official diagnosis a pattern of a depressive episode during the changing of the seasons over three of the past five years must be determined. In my case, I started to experience a depressive episode the day we got home from a road trip to San Diego where I’d basked in the sun for hours and biked in nature.

My initial diagnosis pissed me off because it felt like one more thing to learn how to manage. My recovery process from trauma has very much been 1 step forward, 3 steps back and this was felt like 9 steps back. One of the comforting things about PTSD is that I believe my anxiety and depression are symptoms and will go away, seasonal depression made me feel like it was here to stay.

I felt annoyed because I love fall. Screw pumpkin spice lattes and basic bitch fall things. I like the crisp air, colorful leaves, sweater weather, hot apple cider and wearing my dad’s flannel collection. How could I have seasonal depression when I actually like fall?!

Because seasonal depression has nothing to do with apple picking and wearing cute ankle boots and everything to do with Vitamin D. Some people just need more than others. I am one of those some people.

For once though, being Irish and Norwegian with absolutely zip melanin in my skin paid off. The less melanin one has, the easier vitamin D is absorbed in the skin. This is karma for having to wear shirts at the beach until I was nine.

I typically struggle whenever I return to Breckenridge from any trip for a myriad of reasons, but this fall’s felt worse than usual. Upon an emergency sesh with my therapist, we determined I’ve had depressive symptoms in October the past five years in a row and other years in the past but I’d always chalked up my fall mood swings to external variables like really bad bosses (2013, 2015, 2018, 2020), going off birth control (2016) and trauma (2018, 2019, 2020).

In 2013, I worked for the DC version of The Devil Wears Prada, only she wore Meryl and was covered in dog hair. I chalked up my misery to her bullying and abusive tactics. When I quit that job, my depressive symptoms went away immediately, but in the fall of 2013, I cried all the time. In hindsight it’s safe to say my depressive symptoms in 2013 were caused by an abusive boss, but were exacerbated by seasonal depression.

In 2014, I felt fine because I was riding high from moving back from the FIFA World Cup in Brazil.

In 2015, I was working my ass off saving for grad school. I managed a boutique yoga studio, I worked at a restaurant on weekends, I interned with the Special Olympic Committee, taught for Core Power and covered bootcamp at 5am for Core Power too. I started to feel really low and was also working for a bad boss again. I chalked it up to burn out and rented a lime green Kia Soul, drove to Cleveland, went back on birth control and felt fine.

In 2016, I was doing great. I was in my dream MA program and six weeks in had a massive fight with a person I thought would be my best friend in the program. I’d insulted him and his response was to walk with me in the town square and tell me I was worthless and he could never be my friend. I literally burst into tears in the middle of a foreign town square and was an absolute wreck the rest of the semester. I felt mortified but genuinely couldn’t get my shit together if I tried. Even the schmuck who called me worthless got worried because I would just combust into tears in the middle of a lecture and run out of the room. In grad school. Not kindergarten. Not exactly the impression I was hoping to make.

Simultaneously, the UK (because I lived in England), had blocked my birth control shipment from the US at customs and I went off the pill unintentionally and my hormones went haywire. All of this went down in October and I had a royal meltdown. It was mortifying. I burst into tears in class frequently, I couldn’t control any of my emotions. I interrogated guest speakers. Again, I chalked this up to a rush in hormones and a falling out with someone who means nothing to me now. He triggered my core negative belief of not being good enough. Add that in to some seasonal depression and haywire hormones and you’ve got yourself a disaster zone. It was absolutely awful and I still cringe when I think about my behavior in grad school. Unfortunately, a lot of it was out of my control but it doesn’t mean I’m not taking accountability. My behavior was deplorable.

In 2017, I was six months post trauma in October and absolute hot mess in general, but just met my now fiance, which overshadowed my depression symptoms.

2018- Well, that’s the fall I checked myself into a crisis center and participated in an outpatient program for PTSD so I was definitely struggling with depression, but it was hard to determine the seasonal component because I was depressed from trauma.

2019- I really don’t remember fall of 2019 other than going to Moab, NYC and Cleveland over a very short period of time. I think it was bad because I hired my now therapist after trying to not lose it while teaching a yoga class after a triggering experience.

2020 - As mentioned, I entered what could have been a depressive episode, called an emergency sesh with my therapist and we determined the previous year’s symptoms were a result of seasonal depression.

A depressive episode has to be at least 14 days. This fall, my symptoms lasted five — why? Because we finally knew what was happening.

I have a tendency to fight depression, which is one of the worst things I can do. The real way for me to beat depression is to acknowledge it’s happening, accept it and rest. Now with the seasonal component, we added a vitamin D supplement to my daily med regimen and made sure to get at least 20 minutes of sunlight outside. I also ordered a Happy Light from Amazon upon recs from my therapist. (My therapist is a psych goddess and full of wisdom and sass) .

I took baths, I went on walks, I didn’t do dishes (sorry Wilbur), I slept ( a lot), I took ativan to keep my body calm, I watched dumb tv, I did puzzles, I read fluff books, I delegated my work and I was not mad at myself for having depression because I had a good reason.

The cool thing about seasonal depression is that it’s totally manageable! But first you need to acknowledge it’s a real thing. Oftentimes people make fun of "S.A.D.” (Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder), but team, it is real. I would have thought growing up in Cleveland would have made me immune to such a thing since Cleveland has less sunlight than Seattle (no joke, Cleveland averages 63 sunny days/year), but nope.

Once acknowledged, it’s pretty easy to hit up Target and snag some Vitamin D and order a Happy Light on Amazon. Better yet, get some real sun. I know it’s harder now with masks and everything and I live in an arctic tundra so I don’t really show skin if I don’t have to, which is part of the reason we went to Miami this weekend. For two whole days 95% of my body absorbed direct sunlight. I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS (and also a little crispy because I missed a spot with my SPF 50). But holy cannoli, the sun and salt the clear blue h20 gave me life. It makes easy sense to me why people who live on water or in tropical climates are just happier. They have vitamin D!

If you can’t get to the actual sun or might lose your nose just exposing your face for a few minutes (BTW you can still wear sunscreen and absorb vitamin D!) you can talk to a psychiatrist about a season SSRI option. You might be prescribed a very low dose of a serotonin or dopamine booster that compensates for the lack of vitamin D. It’s quite common of seasonal depression patients to be on meds six months of the year and off the rest. This is a decision you make with your doc.

Now before you lecture me on Miami and Florida and COVID-19. — I KNOW. Luckily, I do believe there’s a pandemic and I wore my mask and we were either in the water or laying on a towel or in our hotel room. I KNOW, some of you still think this is dumb, but it was good for my mental health and I felt safe in my decisions (other than apparently missing my entire abdominal region with sunscreen). Save your judgement for the Governor of Florida.